I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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