I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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