omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
