there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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