I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm like, not good at living.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
