i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just want nice things and good sex
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
