i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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