don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
