Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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