she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
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a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
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the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i out mim tonsoeep
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