Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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