My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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