hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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