Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
this boner is exhausting
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
