FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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