First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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