Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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