remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
