Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
