Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
