You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
