I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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