Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
