I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
