A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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