Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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