here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
