It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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