Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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