I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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