You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
