i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
