i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
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I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
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So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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