idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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