im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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