My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize