Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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