It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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