I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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