Is it normal to miss your booty call?
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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