did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
