Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
