My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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