I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
