atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
