i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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