WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
