...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
