i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
