in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
