When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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