Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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