I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
