Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
