Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
