Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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