when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
